After finding out shortly after Valentine's day that I had a surprise "bundle of joy" on the way, I found myself a little distracted from blogging. There was so much to think about and so much to decide about all of a sudden. Who gets to know right now? When do I tell work? How do we tell our respective families? Am I going to have to quit my job? How am I going to afford my bills? How long should maternity leave be? How is the daddy going to handle it? It was a shock and a surprise, but thankfully, not a devastation.
I've always wanted to be a mom. In fact, when I was a kid, I dreamed of being this fabulous stay at home mom who chauffeured the kids (no more than 3 maybe 4) around to different events, who made dinner every night and ate with the family at an actual kitchen table, who had a hobby that was turned into a business (or maybe even a family business)....Supermom. That's what I wanted to be. Of course, when I was a kid, I started much earlier than 30 on said task. I know that for most people that sounds incredibly young, but in my family, starting at 30 makes me the equivalent of 103 (and that is a quote from a family member). However, I believe fate couldn't have picked a better time in my life for this little surprise. I am so much more responsible, experienced, and knowledgeable than I was at my pre-planned starting age of 25. Amazing how 5 years can really make such a difference, but it's so true. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is something terribly inconceivable(pardon the pun) about starting earlier, I know and love many who have, but I'm just glad I didn't.
Seems I've built a life in a city I had never even planned on moving to or staying in after college; and so many personal and professional relationships in the past few years at my job. Still I have to make a decision on what to do now. The demands of this job are FAR too exhausting for a woman expecting. Sometimes it's exhausting just being a woman in this job, let a lone a pregnant one. Still this is something that has become second nature to me: a perfect blend of my retail and theater backgrounds. It's a job that is hard to "call in sick" to and occasionally hard to vacation from. I'm so passionate about it sometimes that I can't pull myself away from it. I bring my work computer home and check and answer email, texts, and phone calls constantly. For the past few years, I have thrived on and lived off of the stress of the job. It kept me going. Now, I am too stressed, out of breath, achy, and exhausted (both mentally and physically) to even function some days. I'm sure alot of those are just common symptoms of pregnancy, but most women work until right before they have the baby. So now what? Do I finally give up the ball? Does it have to be permanent?
I'm sure some of my friends will be shocked and maybe even completely flabbergasted at my June Cleaver dream. I am, by no means, planning on being the stepford wife with heels on and perfect hair carrying a tray of brownies to the bake sale...rest assured. I do want to do some kind of work that isn't just housework and child raising. Maybe I'll go back to photography and get better at it. Maybe I'll get some part time job doing something a couple days a week. Hopefully I'll still be able to be involved with theater in some way. I just need to de-stress my life as much as possible and focus on all the new things that are happening. I want to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to and volunteer with organizations that mean something to me without having to worry about the politics of my job and who I might offend by it. I want to stay involved with alot of the activities and people I do now, but in a different way. I want to be able to turn off my cell phone or leave it at home and it not be a big deal. I want to explore Rosie the mom and not have to just be this marketable face of my job. There are just so many more pros to me moving on from this job than there are cons.
I'm not really giving up the ball. I'm just putting this one down and picking up a new one. And I'm looking forward to it.
