But first the labor/nursing adventure....
The baby finally arrived!
....One week post-due date, after being induced, 30 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, and an emergency C-Section. I said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop because pregnancy had been so "normal" according to my doctor. Well it dropped during labor. But you know what, I tried. I wanted very badly to go natural with no drugs and I did for 24 of the 30 hours. The IV pain meds were like a joke after about 3 contractions. The epidural wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought it would be and worked...mostly. Pushing was really where the pain was, so when the doctor (who was sweating bullets from pulling with forceps) said, "ok it's time to go get the baby out because this isn't working", I breathed a complete sigh of relief and just let them whisk me away into general anesthesia heaven. I was told that my mom and SK couldn't even get their scrubs on in time and they had the baby out. Pretty amazing stuff.
SK was amazing throughout the whole hospital stay. I don't think I changed but 1 diaper the entire first weeks of little SK's life. Of course that would be the one where he'd peed for the first time post-circumcision and peed all over me and the small corner of the room I was changing him in. I was also down with a spinal headache for that first week so I spent the majority of my time flat on my back. SK fed me breakfast in the mornings at the hospital because I wasn't eating enough. He kept me positive through the post-partum pain because he knew I didn't want the narcotics they wanted to give me. He walked me around the halls so that I wouldn't hurt from laying in the bed so much. He made certain my stress level stayed low. He was there for me. I barely remember nursing throughout that entire time in the hospital, but apparently I did because we didn't attempt formula until we were home that first week (which, by the way, was a disaster from what SK says because it hurt his stomach). The only time I remember nursing was when the lactation lady came in, basically whipped out my boobs in front of SK's mom and sister (remember, I'm flat on my back with the spinal issue) and showed me how to get the baby to latch on. Then right after the baby started eating, in walks the pediatrician. So lots of people have seen my boobs now that should never have. Hooray for modesty! SK's poor mom has seen ALOT more of me than I EVER wanted her to, but she was and has been the person there for me throughout this whole thing whenever I need something. She stayed throughout the labor and then for 5 days or so after the baby was born and has been here roughly once a week every week since to help. The woman is a saint. She has helped me keep my sanity and been more supportive than anyone could ever have been. Everyone should be so lucky as to have a mother-in-law like her.
The first 2 weeks were really rough because I was solely breastfeeding. Once I started pumping, it made it a little easier because then I could put it in a bottle and SK could have bonding time with little SK by feeding him. Once we got past the first 2-4 weeks of nursing, little SK and I had finally gotten use to each other, we fixed his latching issues, he finally got back to his birth weight, and it seemed like all was well in breastfeeding land. It took yet ANOTHER stranger seeing my boobs because I had to feed him in front of the lactation lady at the WIC office so she could see why he was eating for so long so often, but he finally seemed to "get right". Well that lasted about a week. He was suddenly taking 6 ounces of breastmilk from a bottle and I jut couldn't (and still can't) pump enough to keep up with him. And when I try to (by pumping every 2-3 hours), I get so dehydrated and feel like I'm going to pass out. Not to mention that it pulls so hard on my chest that it leaves me in pain. Then I just end up, not only without enough milk, but frustrated, dehydrated, and in pain. I have looked up everything I can think of, sought advice from friends and "experts", but I just am not making enough to keep up with him anymore and I feel disgusted by it. Both SK and I REALLY wanted to make sure little SK only got breastmilk at least until he had his 1st round of vaccines at 2 months old. But this past week, while SK's mom was here, she convinced me it would be ok to give him some formula and that it didn't make me a bad mother if we had to switch him to formula. So once we ran out of the freezer stash of pumped milk I had (because I couldn't keep up with him), we gave him a bottle of formula. I made her tell SK that we did it though because I knew he'd be kind of upset about the fact that we had to give it to him. Luckily, he's doing ok on it and double luck, we are able to get it from WIC so it doesn't cost us anything.
However, since then, it's like my boobs have given up. Every day there's less it seems. I still get the let-down reflex but I am only getting 4-6 ounces TOTAL if I pump and that's only like 3 times a day. Once I noticed the amount start to wane, I tried to furiously pump more often for a few days (like every 2 hours again) but only got around 2-3 ounces each time. But if pumping every 4 hours gets me 4-6 and he's eating 4-6 every 2-3 hours....you see where the math is a problem. So now he's getting formula every day. I'm pumping less but nursing more. I've been trying to give him only 4 ounces of formula and then nursing him for the rest until he's full. I've also been nursing him for that early morning wake up and then a night to go to sleep. Still, I haven't noticed any increase yet and it seems to still be tapering off. I've tried all the little "secrets", like eating oatmeal, drinking more water, looking at pictures of the baby while I'm pumping (although i could just look at the baby because he's kinda with me all the time), all the stuff they tell you, and guess what? It's NOT helping. It's NOT that I have just given up and don't want to breastfeed anymore, but he's GOT to be able to eat until he's full and if he's not going to get it from me, then he gets formula. Tons of babies start their life out on formula and are fine. I was a formula baby after 2 weeks. SK's mom said she breastfed all 3 of her kids, the 1st for 6 months, the 2nd (SK) for 3 months, and then the 3rd for 6 weeks. All of us are fine. Little SK is 6 weeks old now. Does any of this information make me feel any less like SK is completely disappointed and doesn't believe that I'm doing everything I can? NOPE. Do I feel like I a somehow failing my child? YEP. I know the time is coming soon where I'm going to have to go solely to formula because my production is going to be gone. Not because I'm not trying to be optimistic about it, but because I' trying to be realistic about it so I'm not do depressed about it later when it happens and feel like even MORE of a failure than I already do. It's unfortunate but true and I've accepted the fact that it's just not going to happen the way I wanted it to, much like labor didn't. All I want is for my baby to be healthy and happy. I know SK only wants the same thing. And I know he is just trying to make sure I stay positive, much like he did when I was in labor and in he hospital. So why then, do I feel like stopping breastfeeding is making me that depressed child disappointing their parent?
