It's been a roller coaster past 6 months. Baby, engagement, planning a wedding in 100 days for under $5000....definitely a task. All of these things and living so far from family has been hard. Going from hard-ass, Type A, Young Management Professional, to Molly-Homemaker-Stay-At-Home-Mom has been a definite struggle for me. I know I have been so blessed and yet am still having such a hard time balancing and accepting.
I have never NOT worked before. I thought I'd enjoy it. All that "for the greater good" nonsense and all. I am thankful everyday that I do not have to pay the cost of childcare or subject Jr to oh so many runny noses and germy hands and truthfully, other people's way of caring for him really. So I found a way to keep working, but from home mostly. And when I go into the office, I usually get to (have to) take him with me. It is a freedom that I am also thankful for. Most moms do not get the luxury of being able to be BOTH stay-at-home-mom AND working mom.
I have this insane need to have my own money. I think S would absolutely be in support of me staying home and not working and him just giving me money as needed. But I mean, come on, that's crappy. I mean, we'd make it fine, but it's not like we're rolling so deep it wouldn't be on a pretty tight budget. Plus, I really like not having to ask him to put gas in my car or for anything else. I like being able to be the person who buys all the groceries, even if its the only thing I can afford to do.
My feeling on it is this, if you each have your own money and an understanding of how all the bills and household costs will be paid, then you won't fight about money because you won't have to ask or wonder how much people are spending and on what they are spending it. If I were to stop working or getting my own money all together, then he would have every right to ask me where the money he gave me was going, or vice versa. Not that I am spending money on frivolous things, and not that he is either, but see my point? When you feel like you have to justify your actions to your spouse, that's the first move on the defensive, which will almost always certainly lead to an argument. Nope....not gonna do it.
Still, I find myself with this aching need to be with Jr 24/7 and to make sure he is properly learning in all the ways he should, eating the way he should, sleeping the way he should, etc. I want to make sure he is raised exactly the way S and I want him raised. At the same time, it seems to be so alienating to be this fantasy image of June Clever, but I find myself getting really distraught when I have spent the entire day at home and have nothing productive done to show for it. And I kinda want to go back to work, but the money I would make at work would just be getting put right back into daycare, which makes it almost seem pointless.
So here I am, torn on whether or not to go back to work full-time. I miss theater. I miss socialization over things NOT child-related. I miss productivity. The problem is, on the random days that I get to go away for 6+ hours a day to work, I miss Jr.
