7/23/19
It has been quite some time since I posted anything publicly.
SO. MUCH. HAS. CHANGED.
I have been on a peace journey. Since finding my way back to God, I have realized many things, not the least of which is I am not alone. If you are reading this, YOU are not alone either. Even if you haven't found your way back to God or if you have never found your way to Him at all, He is still there. He is still after you. Probably sounds creepy to those who don't believe. Like God is a crazy stalker...HA! Seriously though, you aren't alone.
On the journey these past nearly 3 years since I had my last child, I have been in a whirlwind. I have become all too friendly with the familiar postpartum ghost of anxiety and depression. I finally broke down and succumbed to the fact that it is okay to have Jesus and a therapist too. We all need help sometimes and we are all recovering from something. "It takes a village" isn't just a phrase regarding raising children, it's for surviving this earthly life. It takes a village and the village I have found has been a great help. Like most women, I have far too much trouble asking for help. I am much better at giving it than receiving it. I struggle daily with the notion that I just might not be Wonder Woman after all.
Depression is a beast. I had a suspicion though. Anxiety? Well that was a given. I didn't need the therapist for that. But no four letter combination has ever stung me like PTSD. Hearing it for the first time made it real. It made what I had been through real. The first time I had ever told my story was only a few months ago, to a room full of no one who knew me then. It's been over 15 years since and I have never talked about "it". Some may have suspected but never let on. Those who knew me during that time obviously had no idea. Surely they would have spoken up. Maybe they did and I just don't remember or didn't listen back then. So much was different 15 years ago. There was no #metoo. There was no social media presence or following (Thank God for that, by the way). The rules just seemed different. I knew nothing at 18/19/20 years old. Using the R word then would have been drastic. I didn't know then what I know now. Still, there it is. The PTSD culprit rears it ugly head and I am here dealing with it 15 years later. Thank God for His grace and redemption and for little mercies along the way.
Rachel Hollis's book, Girl Wash Your Face has been life-changing for me. Another of the many tools God has put into my tool box for me to use. He led me to partnering with a beautiful dear friend to get in front and lead an entire group of women in the message of this book. It has been the highlight of my summer. I am so thankful that I said Yes when I felt God push me to do it. I signed up to fill the cups of other women but ended up with my own overflowing. If it had not been for the group, I never would have found therapy or been brave enough to go. Life-changing. I never would have realized that there was the entire group of Christian women who felt the same things I have felt; who have been through the things I have been through; who walk the daily walk I walk. Life-changing.
If you find yourself reading this, God brought you to this post. I haven't written in years and am not sure when I will again. But just know you are not alone in your battles. Even if you have not yet found the amazing love, grace, and mercy of God, there are so many of His children around you that are battling the same thing you are. You probably have no idea that they are. If they are like me, they will never tell you until pushed to do so or given the right opportunity; but they are there. They exist They are very real. You are not alone.
Lauren Daigle - "Rescue"
Lyrics:
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of darkest night
It’s true
I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of darkest night
It’s true
I will rescue you
I will never stop marching
To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true
I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper you have nothing left
