It's NOT the thought that counts....

I wrote a post around Valentine's Day about the do's, dont's and dangers of gift-giving where women are concerned. I made a point to stress about how much it is "the thought that counts". Here was the pertinent passage:

"One way or another, the key with gift giving for women is the effort and thought put into it. We all pay attention to the details about our men and want our men to do the same for us. I almost never ask for something specific for any gift giving holiday. I don't expect my man to have to either. You should know each other well enough to know what the other person enjoys doing and be able to give them something that is centered around that. It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy...but for god's sake please no 4ft teddy bears. Where exactly do you expect us to store that thing?"

Now I want my girlfriends who I know read this to let their boyfriends, husbands, fiance's, partners also read this because it will help him. And here's why I say this: sometimes we find ourselves trying to tell our significant others that we want or need something (physically, emotionally, mentally, or materially) and just can't seem to get them to understand what we are trying to say. They don't understand because women, by nature, think emotionally and try to be sensitive to the reaction we THINK we will receive when broaching a subject with our mate that we view as important. Men, they tend to see things in a direct logical line. So if you bring up what you want or need to him with no context involved (because we all go over it in our heads for quite some time before we actually say it out loud), he will immediately wonder what the hell you are talking about and why you're bringing it up at right that moment. Sometimes men need someone else other than us to tell them how it is in order for them to understand. This is me being your independent confirmation.

Of course, Valentine's has come and gone (although, yes guys, it WILL be back), but there are many other gift giving holidays during the year that these same rules apply. Quite a few females I know have recently been through and discussed with me an anniversary, birthday, or mother's day scenario where they have found themselves disappointed and feeling like their significant other doesn't care: the key to this is that it isn't only the THOUGHT that counts it's the FORE thought.

"...It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy..."

Translation (broken down into a few logical rules to the men that I only hope read this and take it as truth):

RULE #1: NEVER FORGET AN IMPORTANT DATE
Just about every holiday that a woman would expect a gift of some sort falls on the same day each year (the only exception is Mother's Day, I believe, but it's at roughly the same time each year). This means you should know when it is coming. Women expect men to pay enough attention to know when these days are because if we are with you that means we believe you to be intelligent and capable enough of being able to set reminders in the age of smart phones. Go to whatever lengths you have to to remember her birthday, your anniversary, mother's day and valentine's day. (No one ever forgets Christmas. If you do, you need a lot more help than this blog could ever HOPE to provide.) I'm sure there are at least a few men in your life who also have significant others that can help remind you as well. Point is, forgetting is almost never an excuse.

RULE #2: SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Most men know when it's time to say the words, "I'm sorry" or "I love you". When it comes to important days of the year, if you wake up next to your woman, THIS is when to say "Happy Birthday", "Happy Anniversary", "Happy Mother's Day", or "Happy Valentine's Day".  It's best if you are the first person to tell her these things, but even if you're not, what is most important is that the entire day doesn't go by without you saying it at some point. I know it seems trivial, but it works like "I'm Sorry". The reason is because it is an indication of recognition. It is like saying, "hey. I haven't forgotten what today is."

RULE #3: TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Forethought means you thought about it BEFORE-hand. Of course, like I said, unless you're great at thinking on your feet. Just like it means so much for you to show indication of recognition, it means even more for you to have put forth an effort. If it is a holiday that usually requires a gift, when the gift is given is important, and the day of is when is the best bet. If for some reason, you will not see each other on the day of, then another day is of course acceptable. However, when having to celebrate the occasion on a different day, communication is key. If you don't talk about your gift-giving/celebration taking place on a day that is AFTER the specific holiday PRIOR to the actual day taking place, she will automatically assume you forgot. Now if you are an online shopper, sometimes you cannot help delays in shipping of gift items. Here is a great go-to solution: print out a picture of the gift and give it to her with either flowers or a heartfelt card. This shows you thought about her and didn't forget.

RULE #4: EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES
Sometimes we get so busy with the day-to-day that we do just honestly forget about days that we should pay more attention to. Or we know it's coming and then it just sneaks up on us faster than we could get time to plan something nice. It happens. Everyone is human. However, you have a couple of recovery options available depending on when it hits you that you forgot. If you happen to remember on the day of, find the nearest drug store or supermarket, buy the best card you can find, pick out the best looking flowers available, and then pretend like nothing happened and take her out on a date on the soonest available date. If it is at the point at which it is obvious you goofed, he only thing you need to know is that you MUST MAKE IT UP TO HER. You also must admit and apologize for forgetting no questions asked. And do it as quickly as possible. If you don't, all she will do is think about it and it will subconsciously sit in her brain that it doesn't matter to you. She may act like it's no big deal, but I promise it is. Just like women like getting flowers at work on valentines day so that they can show you off, they hate being asked "what did our man give you for (insert holiday here)", and having no answer to give...embarrassing. So you forget, you tell her you're sorry and that you didn't forget about her and that you will make it up to her on (insert specific date and time). Because let's face it, when the reciprocal holiday rolls around and she DOESN'T forget and does something special for YOU, you're going to feel like shit about the fact that you did forget. (of course that's assuming you do actually give a shit).

Now...With all that said...Of course not all men need directions on keeping their women romanced. If you are a man who read this and thought, "well duh" and you've never had any of these issues come up with your significant other, then SHARE THE INFO. You have an obligation to your male friends and it is your duty as a man to share what you know about how women think. Us women give men a hard enough time as it is, they don't also need it from their own friends. It's like that unwritten man code that one guy doesn't kick another guy in the balls.

The Mommy Battle

After finding out shortly after Valentine's day that I had a surprise "bundle of joy" on the way, I found myself a little distracted from blogging. There was so much to think about and so much to decide about all of a sudden. Who gets to know right now? When do I tell work? How do we tell our respective families? Am I going to have to quit my job? How am I going to afford my bills? How long should maternity leave be? How is the daddy going to handle it? It was a shock and a surprise, but thankfully, not a devastation.

I've always wanted to be a mom. In fact, when I was a kid, I dreamed of being this fabulous stay at home mom who chauffeured the kids (no more than 3 maybe 4) around to different events, who made dinner every night and ate with the family at an actual kitchen table, who had a hobby that was turned into a business (or maybe even a family business)....Supermom. That's what I wanted to be. Of course, when I was a kid, I started much earlier than 30 on said task. I know that for most people that sounds incredibly young, but in my family, starting at 30 makes me the equivalent of 103 (and that is a quote from a family member). However, I believe fate couldn't have picked a better time in my life for this little surprise. I am so much more responsible, experienced, and knowledgeable than I was at my pre-planned starting age of 25. Amazing how 5 years can really make such a difference, but it's so true. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is something terribly inconceivable(pardon the pun) about starting earlier, I know and love many who have, but I'm just glad I didn't.

Seems I've built a life in a city I had never even planned on moving to or staying in after college; and so many personal and professional relationships in the past few years at my job. Still I have to make a decision on what to do now. The demands of this job are FAR too exhausting for a woman expecting. Sometimes it's exhausting just being a woman in this job, let a lone a pregnant one. Still this is something that has become second nature to me: a perfect blend of my retail and theater backgrounds. It's a job that is hard to "call in sick" to and occasionally hard to vacation from. I'm so passionate about it sometimes that I can't pull myself away from it. I bring my work computer home and check and answer email, texts, and phone calls constantly. For the past few years, I have thrived on and lived off of the stress of the job. It kept me going. Now, I am too stressed, out of breath, achy, and exhausted (both mentally and physically) to even function some days. I'm sure alot of those are just common symptoms of pregnancy, but most women work until right before they have the baby. So now what? Do I finally give up the ball? Does it have to be permanent?

I'm sure some of my friends will be shocked and maybe even completely flabbergasted at my June Cleaver dream. I am, by no means, planning on being the stepford wife with heels on and perfect hair carrying a tray of brownies to the bake sale...rest assured. I do want to do some kind of work that isn't just housework and child raising. Maybe I'll go back to photography and get better at it. Maybe I'll get some part time job doing something a couple days a week. Hopefully I'll still be able to be involved with theater in some way. I just need to de-stress my life as much as possible and focus on all the new things that are happening. I want to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to and volunteer with organizations that mean something to me without having to worry about the politics of my job and who I might offend by it. I want to stay involved with alot of the activities and people I do now, but in a different way. I want to be able to turn off my cell phone or leave it at home and it not be a big deal. I want to explore Rosie the mom and not have to just be this marketable face of my job.  There are just so many more pros to me moving on from this job than there are cons.

I'm not really giving up the ball. I'm just putting this one down and picking up a new one. And I'm looking forward to it.

To V-Day or not to V-Day

Disclaimer: Realize that I know that I have one or more exes that read this, as well as the current man in my life, so please note that the forthcoming statements are neither a reflection upon them, nor are they some twisted hint with the impending doom of V-Day.


I struggle every year with whether or not Valentine's Day is particularly important to me, whether I'm in a relationship or not. It always seems as though there is this unneeded pressure that is added to be the perfect date for someone on that day, even if it's just a night with your girlfriends. In fact, probably more so if it's a night with your girlfriends because they are going to be overwhelmed by the label of "Singles Awareness Day".  Why is Valentine's Day so important to women? (It may be important to some guys to, I've just never experienced that particular phenomena). And why is getting what seems to have to be the perfect gift so important?

Here is what I have figured out after talking to so many women about Valentine's Day plans gone awry, tacky and/or thoughtless gifts they've received, countless missed opportunities by their boyfriends, and of course the dreaded  "he didn't make any plans or buy me even a card".

After having many a Valentine's Day end in tears for me while in a seemingly stable relationship, I can sympathize with their plight of feeling like their men just don't get them. How many men have heard their girlfriend say, "It's the thought that counts?" I said it so many times I can't even count. I plan events for a living that are typically pretty high-end events, so the poor sap that has to plan something special for me, know has a task on his hands already; which is why I really am very grateful for the "thought" that IS put into something that is done for me. However, while subtlety has never been my strong suit, I pride myself on not being a demanding girlfriend; but I actually came right out with one boyfriend and told him that there are 3 days a year that he is expected to make the plans and just tell me what we are doing: My birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine's Day. I never expected a string quartet or some grand gesture of epic proportions. I never even really expected some expensive gift. Still, it always seemed that there was no planning ahead done. He was "that guy" wandering the mall for a gift and searching through cards left on the Hallmark aisle at Walgreens on what seemed to always be the day before or day of.

It's the thought that counts....

Yes. It is and this is what that translates to:. (and I'm going to pick on men for a minute but try not to get offended) You can't have that thought on the day before or day of. Guess what? Valentine's Day is on the same day every year. If you're in a relationship on February 1st, and you plan on still being in that relationship two weeks following that, that's probably the latest you want to start thinking about it. I may be speaking for myself here, although I don't THINK I am, but women don't need a huge teddy bear and a box of chocolates! We don't need you to buy us jewelry! We don't need an expensive gift! We want you to have put thought into something that is meant for us. The most generic thing you can get away with is sending her flowers, preferably some place where she can show them off, and that doesn't mean a dozen roses necessarily. Make an effort to find out what her favorite flower is and send those. Here's an insider female secret: If your girlfriend works some place and she has co-workers, and especially if she is a professional female and has a desk or works where she will be around people AT ALL that day, have them delivered to her work and I promise, you win at life. Every woman loves being able to show off when her man thought of her because all women know that if flowers got delivered to you at work, that means the man put in enough effort to order them and have them sent to the right address. Sounds silly but it's true.

Also, if you're going to give a card, picking out the right one is important. This is the ONLY part of the gift that you can ever get away with getting last minute, even though you might be left with only that music card that sings "Let's Get It On".  If you're going to make the effort enough to buy a card to go with your gift, than it should at least say something meaningful. NO, it doesn't have to be super mushy, it just has to fit the situation. You wouldn't want to give someone you've known 2 months a card that is all "I Love You with all my heart". Just make the card appropriate and fitting. When you read the card, if it makes you think of her, that's the card, same with the gift.

One way or another, the key with gift giving for women is the effort and thought put into it. We all pay attention to the details about our men and want our men to do the same for us. I almost never ask for something specific for any gift giving holiday. I don't expect my man to have to either. You should know each other well enough to know what the other person enjoys doing and be able to give them something that is centered around that. It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy...but for god's sake please no 4ft teddy bears. Where exactly do you expect us to store that thing?

Am I An Oxymoron?

An interesting concept was brought to my attention that I have spent much time thinking about the past few days: the dichotomy between being "feminine" and being an "empowered woman". Although I had never thought of this delicate balancing act as being part of some form of cognitive dissonance, once presented to me that way, I decided to do a little more reading on the topic. I again was reminded of a guy friend (different from the person who brought the concept at hand to my attention) referring to me as "a dude with tits". I don't want to be a "dude with tits" and I don't like when my guy friends have that shocked look on their faces when I'm in a dress and heels saying, "wow! You look like a girl!" I am a girl. (Sorry, Jim, this one will stay with me forever.)

In case you're unfamiliar with cognitive dissonance, let me save you the Google-Wiki time...

Cognitive dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychologyproposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions or adding new ones to create consistency. An example of this would be the conflict between wanting to smoke and knowing that smoking is unhealthy; a person may try to change their feelings about the odds that they will actually suffer the consequences, or they might add the consonant element that the smoking is worth short term benefits.

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life. The tension produced by these contradictory ideas can be reduced by any number of changes in cognitions and behaviors, including quitting smoking, denying the evidence linking smoking to lung cancer, or justifying one's smoking. For example, smokers could rationalize their behavior by concluding that only a few smokers become ill, that it only happens to very heavy smokers, or that if smoking does not kill them, something else will.

This case of dissonance could also be interpreted in terms of a threat to the self-concept. The thought, "I am increasing my risk of lung cancer" can be dissonant with the self-related belief, "I am a smart, reasonable person who makes good decisions." Because it is often easier to make excuses or pass judgment than it is to change behavior or values, cognitive dissonance research contributes to the abundance of evidence in social psychology that humans are not always rational beings.

So basically cognitive dissonance is how we make ourselves feel better about making bad decisions, or how we justify our decision making skills in general really.

I am relating this to the Battle of the Sexes discussion (and yes, we are still on the topic of emasculating men), because I was given a perfect example from "The Guru" AKA Steve Santagati (I hope you don't mind me calling you that OR quoting you for that matter).

"You're opinions may not EMASCULATE a strong man but they are emasculating in nature. Strong men, such as myself are turned off only because women who do not play the role of a woman causes cognitive dissonance. Just as it would seeing a man in a dress. There are, however, some fundamental changes that have confused things and I understand the dichotomy that now exists between the Feminine and the Empowered woman. Good news, you can have both. Be aware that our bio behavioral imperatives run the sex and mating engine and we are slaves to the force. i.e. I hunt you, you be sexy. You can initiate with some ballsy statement showing your confidence but then you have to back off. Cat and mouse."

With this concept and inspiration in mind, instead of smoking and lung cancer, I changed the wiki example to terms of hunting versus being hunted and being feminine versus being a perceivable strong woman.

WIKI QUOTE:

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life.

TRANSLATION:

Being the huntress is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that men should be the hunter/woman the hunted; and stronger, more confident women must reconcile their habit of doing so with the desire to be hunted and acting more feminine. In terms of the theory, the desire to be hunted and treated like a lady is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely have the opposite effect.

Make sense?

Honestly, I first read this and thought about the common rhetoric among women who get their spouses or significant others to do things they want them to do by making them think it's their idea. As long as you don't appear to be the hunter instead of the hunted, then the man can still be a man and you are still the woman. I would venture to say that it is widely accepted knowledge that men make the first move and women decide whether or not they are having sex at the end of the night.

(Although I hate putting it in hunting terms, I'm just going to go with it for consistency sake.)

For example, you(the female) are sitting at the bar with a friend(also female). You spy across the bar a man you are attracted to and you (as a single adult female) decide you would like to take him home at the end of the night. You tell your friend. The next thing you do is make sure to make eye contact with him. You may laugh, you may toss your hair, you do something to get his attention and/or cross his line of vision. You have to put yourself in the path of the hunter and act as prey if you want to be captured. This is the initiating contact part. It is then the man's job as the hunter to actually wake up, pick up his rifle, and shoot. A deer doesn't run up to a hunter screaming, "Please shoot me!" You have to wait. He waits for you to be in just the right position at just the right time, then he shoots. So while you are actually using your cunning feminine skills to give him the opportunity, he still has to be the one to take it. If you appear confident in your feminine skills, he is more likely to notice and come over and take the opportunity you have presented and buy you a drink.

So in theory, although it was first your idea, you made him come to you while being both feminine and confident.

What does that have to do with cognitive dissonance? Well, often times, I feel as though we, for example, in the case of the hunt, give men our numbers without making them ask for it. It's not that they don't want it, they just are too scared to ask for it, or haven't figured out how to ask for it, so we just go for it. In exchange, he gives you his number. We see this as being confident because we are making the first move. But in reality, we have just taken away an opportunity for the man to be the man and do what men should do. If he actually calls us, then we are reassured that we did the right thing. However, as is often the case, when he doesn't call, we then write it off as him being too scared to make a move period. But in reality, you gave up your number first, so he probably thinks you're the type that would call first and is waiting on you to make yet another move. You have set up a bad precedent for the whole situation from the get go.

Another point of view

I made a decision yesterday to make this blog public. It cost me my co-author. However, it also brought about a different point of view to light. A fellow female felt that I have emasculated men by some of these posts. I was immediately taken aback by the statement since I am so typically old fashioned about a man being a man. So I asked her, 'Did I emasculate men in some way?' The following was her response:

"Of the men I know, that I count as men (& that takes some doing. I mean, they really have to prove it to get that distinction from me), I would venture to guess after reading this, they'd say "yes". If you want to build someone up, you don't do it by first beating the crap out of them. If you always have the ball (which is how this somewhat presents), you're only going to find one who never wants it. There is a great strength that comes through quiet diligence and discipline that needn't be recognized. I honestly believe there are loads of men out there who want strong, amazing, beautiful women. I think too often such women refuse to allow them to be men. It's a complicated balance, but for starters, if you like to give pleasure more than you get it in bed, if you like to hunt as much if not more than being hunted, then, I'd say, yes, that's emasculation. Women are delicate in their own way as are men. A man's ego and his need to be respected is often trampled in this world. Every "strong" woman will disregard me for saying such, but a man wants to come home & be a man. Not a well trained dog. I'm really not the person to discuss this because I think the battle of the sexes has reached critical mass, & at this point in the game, I think we shame men for being manly & then disregard them for not being manly enough. They're damned if they do, damned if they don't. I empathize (believe me) with your plight, but at almost 40, I've decided it's best for me to grow myself in wisdom, humility, & grace. If I'm doing that, either a man will be attracted to me whom I can admire or he won't. But I can rest in the assurance that someone, at least one person, is better off because I've chosen to live such a way"

After reading her response, I was flabbergasted because I agreed with her 100% and it was the exact point I was trying to get across. Too often women criticize men for being men but then get mad when that same man opens the door for them. I find myself infuriated by the conversations of females who are upset with their significant other over the fact that he is simply acting like a guy. Of course he'd rather stay home and play video games or watch SportsCenter instead of going shopping with you! He's a dude! Nine times out of ten, I'd rather go drink wine with my girls than stay at home and play video games. (Although I am sort of atypical because I like video games AND SportsCenter.)

"If you always have the ball (which is how this somewhat presents), you're only going to find one who never wants it."
THAT is exactly what I am talking about....giving up the ball. Too often I have held on tightly to the ball and was not willing to give it up and hand it over. The start of this blog was the beginning of the hand-off. It's the journey of finding someone who will gladly take it from me.

I also asked for a man's opinion (because I felt it necessary). The man I asked knows me extremely well and knows exactly how I act in the confines of a relationship. I asked him if he thought me to be emasculating or if he thought my opinions in the blog were. To my surprise he said yes. However, what he said after was a point of view I had not thought of. He said to me, "you're not the only one that wants to give up the ball and not make decisions when you get home. What about the guy who has been working just as hard and making decisions all day as well?" And there it was staring me in the face. 'The battle of the sexes' that, as my female cohort had put it, has 'reached critical mass'. He also told me what his view on being a 'trained dog' was. It's not that men don't want to know what to do to make us happy. It's not that they only do those things in order to make us happy. However, once it becomes merely a trained response, it's beyond reproach to the point of routine and boring. Men like mystery, intrigue, and 'the hunt', if you will. It truly is a complicated and delicate balance between letting a woman be a woman and a man be a man and being able to be both together.

So let me just state, I have had no intention of emasculating men. I enjoy healthy debate (especially on the topic of the battle of the sexes) and want to hear your opinions.

Full Disclosure

*photo copyright to Alex Noriega at www.snotm.com

I said in the last blog that the two keys to any successful relationship are Trust and Good Communication. A friend pointed out to me that he thought I missed two more: Honesty and Fidelity. In a romantic relationship, yes, these two things are also very important. However, I feel as though if you have the former of the two, the latter is sure to be present. You can't have TRUE good communication without complete honesty and that breeds trust; and if you are unfaithful, there's no way you will be trusted in the confines of a romantic relationship. It all comes back to trust.

Trusting someone means different things to different people. There are levels of trust. Do I trust someone to watch my dog while I'm out of town? Do I trust someone to drive me home leaving the bar? Do I trust someone enough to drink after them? Do I trust someone enough to share my deepest secrets with them? Do I trust someone enough to think that they would jump in front of a bullet for me?

Everyone has that one friend (some have more than one) that you wouldn't trust with anything. That doesn't mean you don't love them, you just don't trust them...they're not reliable. Reliability goes along with trust. But that's just one level of trust. It's the "will you do what you said you were going to do" part of it. Will you keep the plans you have and not cancel? Will you be there when you said you would be? Will you be there when I need you the most? Reliability stretches across trust in friendships AND romantic relationships.

Then there is the "can I tell you a secret and you not share it" trust. Every set of friends has its own inside jokes. You can say something that makes everyone who knows about it laugh but outsiders wouldn't have a clue what you mean or why its funny. These are good secrets to share. Then there are those moments of vulnerability, that every person has, and you usually only have the ONE friend that you can share your thoughts and feelings with knowing it will stay between the two of you. You discuss major life decisions together and keep each other accountable for keeping your word in moments of weakness. I truly believe that, in a lifetime, you get very few of these kinds of friends, and they stick with you forever. You could not see each other for days, weeks, months, years, but pick up where you left off and it wouldn't matter how long it has been. This is the friend you know that if you called at 3am, they would answer and they would come bail you out of a bad situation if you ever needed it. This is what classifies a best friend.

What I'm trying to get at is that once you get into a romantic relationship with someone, they sometimes forget the characteristics of what makes a good friend and focus only on being a "good girlfriend/boyfriend". The expectations change as well as the standards for what is acceptable. Always keep your standards high and your expectations low. Know what is acceptable for you and what is not and do not stray from it. You cannot get into a relationship and cease being a good friend to them just because you've seen them naked. Great relationships don't always start out as friendships, but they MUST be built on friendship. There has to be a level of trust that you would have with that "best friend" and then some. 

Lasting relationships have been built upon a level of honesty that you not only DON'T share with anyone else, but CAN'T share with anyone else. You have to be able to be yourself completely and wholly with that person. You have to be able to share things with them that you would not share with anyone else. You have to trust them physically, emotionally, and sexually and be able to be completely open in all three arenas. Is that going to happen in the first three months of a relationship? Doubtful. Some people move faster than others because they are more open to grow in the same direction together. But both have to be on the same page...which is where good communication comes back into play. 

If you are in a relationship and there is something about yourself that is missing, find out what it is. Get it back. While relationships are always going to be hard work to make them last, and always about compromise, they are NOT about sacrifice. Don't confuse the two. You have to compromise to make situations work. You can't compromise to make people work. Sacrificing parts of yourself (or for some people it's there whole self) to try to make a relationship work can only end in disaster. 

It's just 3 little words

"Can we talk?"

Yeah. I said it. It's a phrase I am pretty sure scares your significant other more than the other 3-word phrase you probably thought I was talking about.

So your girlfriend calls and says the dreaded words, "I really need to talk to you about something." You immediately start to replay the last conversation you had in case you said something that could have been misinterpreted. You retrace every step of the last time you were together in case you did something that may have made the other person mad. What is it that is spawning this moment of "Can We Talk?" You start biting your nails thinking really hard. Your heart pounds like you've had too much coffee. You suddenly need a cigarette. (I mean, that's what happens to me when someone says it to me)

Calm down.

While there are many different types of girls (a blog for another time), a girl with any sense in her head will already know that this little phrase is going to incite panic, even if she is expecting it to be only minimal. So know that the timing at which the words are delivered has been carefully calculated. It is purposeful. Now if you're dating the malicious type, she will be heartless in her timing. For now, let's pretend that you're dating a girl who actually gives a shit about you and isn't malicious or controlling.

Let's discuss:

Typically guys need a significantly larger amount of time away from their significant other than girls do. You need to spend time with your friends farting, scratching, talking about sex and (insert group hobby here). Any guy with any sense in their head will already know that we don't particularly care to be a part of that. As females, we need to feel like you want to spend just as much time with us as you do with the guys scratching and farting, we need to feel more important than whatever your hobby is, and we want to talk about sex with you. If you are slacking on including us in on the fun or you're not giving us the proper amount of attention in comparison, we are going to want to talk to you about it. So that could be all that it is. And if this is the case, we usually just want to discuss it and move past it. It won't be a sticking point unless you at some point say something stupid that makes her think you actually don't care about her. Typically, however, this is the main reason a "can we talk" conversation will happen IF it's about your relationship.

However, more often than not, the conversation won't even have anything to do with your relationship. It will usually just have to do with the fact that she, I don't know, wants to TALK. (FYI: Texting does not equal talking). Talking means actual verbal conversation. In this day and age we have gotten far too comfortable with technology as a replacement for human interaction. Our computers and cell phones have replaced the day to day interaction crucial to relationships. Women need to be touched, caressed, whispered to, held, and paid attention to. You can't do any of those things with through text/instant messages or Skype. And although over the phone conversations are more acceptable, in-person conversations are much more appropriate to have that "can we talk" conversation. We all know one of the major differences between the sexes is that women have to typically talk about things in order to work them out and men don't. When your girl states in a text that she really needs to talk to you about something in person, DO NOT TEXT BACK ASKING WHAT IT IS ABOUT! For the love of all that is holy, either pick up the phone and call her or set a time to talk. Cardinal rule of dealing with women: if they have an issue and they TELL you they have an issue, NEVER give them more time to stew over it. Long before they brought it up to you, they stewed over the issue and whether or not they wanted to talk to you about it. If they decided to open up to you about it, and make any kind of a move in the direction that even remotely seems like you don't want to talk about it, she is going to write it off and it will be a problem. Do the adult thing and be man enough to have the discussion. It will make you seem confident and sure of yourself. It will also tell her that you care enough about her to try to make her feel better about whatever the "situation" is.

I started writing this post over a week ago. I was going to scrap it and most likely not go back to it. Then, I had my own "can we talk" moment in my relationship. Let's just say that the reaction I got to my own "can we talk" moment was well, less than stellar. It was, in fact, down right ridiculous. That one interaction (that took place over the course of 2-3 days) told me everything I needed to know about the person I was with. Good communication is one of the two keys to ANY relationship whether it be family, friends, or lovers. The other is trust. He panicked so much over this "can we talk" moment that he displayed nothing but lack of both of those keys and I had to sever ties with him because of it. These are the most important two things in a relationship (in my opinion) and they cannot be taught. They can be learned, but not taught, especially in the confines of a relationship. So with all these things considered, I felt the need to continue the writing of this post and go ahead an publish it. Hopefully it will do some good for somebody.

So feel free to comment on this or any posts on this blog as it is for public consumption and nothing is better than healthy discussions or debate.