Adventures in Pregnancy

**WARNING: THIS WILL CROSS THE T.M.I. LINE, SO PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT END UP COMMENTING, AT ANY POINT, WITH ANYTHING SIMILAR TO "WISH I DIDN'T KNOW THAT NOW". I AM NOT ASHAMED. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.**

If having children is such a blessing, why is it that people seem to tell you nothing but horror stories about pain and discomfort and tons of other things of that type? I'm sure it's a blessing, but it definitely comes well disguised.

There are many things that people don't tell you, this includes friends, family, websites, reference books....there are some things that I guess no one really wants to admit. They'll tell you all about morning sickness and back labor and tiredness and sore boobs and crazy constipation. Not that all of that information wasn't a good "forewarning" but it's nothing compared to the things I wish I would've known.

I've been lucky so far. I never had morning sickness. I've only gained 25 pounds and I've only got 5 more weeks to go. I haven't had any swelling. I tested great for iron levels and glucose levels, therefore avoiding the constipation issues from iron pills or other medication. I've had no issues with my pre-natal vitamins because they're the gummy ones. Back pain? Yeah. Boobs hurt? Yeah. Fatigue? Yeah. My back pain is mostly due to pre-pregnancy issues, though, because of scoliosis and bulging disc issues. My boobs hurting are just a natural part of them getting bigger, which SK would tell you is a positive more than a negative. The fatigue....well...the extra weight all in one place seems to be what does the trick there. 

The things I wish I'd known:

- Shaving my legs would be as much of an adventure (chore) as it is

- Bending over, for no matter how long, sucks

- The image you get of a balloon blown up as far as it possibly could be, is how my belly feels at this point

- No matter what bra I'm wearing, after a couple of hours, I want to take it off. Then about 30 minutes later, my boobs hurt so bad from hanging down, I have to put a bra back on to hold them up. 

- Breathing is REALLY hard most of the time and only gets more difficult the closer to the end I get
- No matter how I sit or lay or position myself, sometimes I just can't get comfortable

- When a girlfriend tells you a story about the baby being "in her ribcage" or "stomping on her bladder", it's NOT a figure of speech...that shits for real

- Pre-natal vitamins may make the hair on your head longer and healthier and grow faster, but it also makes the hair EVERYWHERE ELSE do the same. Ain't nothing sexy about belly hair and toe hair

- When boobs get bigger, nipples do too

- Your gums can bleed and bleed and bleed EVERY time you brush your teeth, and it's apparently "normal"

- Your intestines and stomach and other organs get pushed up to where your heart should be, so the things I thought were stomach pains or gas in the beginning, were actually the baby moving around because my organs were someplace else entirely.

- It's really hard to concentrate on anything when you feel like an alien is trying to escape through your belly button

- There is nothing cooler and/or creepier than watching your stomach move around by itself

- You may not feel excited about the baby right away or be able to picture yourself with a baby, and that's okay because eventually the feeling passes

No one wants to talk about what happens to your relationship either.

- Things like wearing makeup, plucking your eyebrows, shaving your legs, and 'maintaining' certain important areas become less likely to happen because you don't have the energy, can't reach, or can't see to do it. And yes, there is a certain point at which this becomes VERY depressing.

- There are times when, without warning, you become sad that you don't spend much time talking, but it's mostly because you're both brain dead from the day and just have to zone out

- Every speck of dirt on any inch of the house will annoy you and not him, or him and not you, regardless of how either of you deal with housework pre-pregnancy. Nesting instincts rears their ugly head and can cause a lot of discourse. There may or may not be anything you can do about it. Talking and trying to stay calm help...most of the time.

- Talking too much about the baby moving around and kicking you in the rib cage, is apparently a big turn off. However, apparently you can't help but talk about it out loud and will still get upset that it's a turn off, even when you know it is. It's like pregnant brain can't help itself.

- Even if you seemed like a perfectly sane female prior to being pregnant, you WILL become insane and emotional while you're pregnant. You will say and do things that you wouldn't normally and feel things that you wouldn't normally. It might manifest itself as anger, frustration, but most often, crying. I never knew I could cry so hard or so much about things that I would have never logically cared about before. 

- Certain other hygienic things like bathing and brushing your teeth every day become less of a priority because you're just too damn tired to. Not bathing/brushing teeth = smelly = turn off = no sex. This is unfortunate for both of you because this leads the pregnant female brain to think that this behavior is tantamount to not caring enough to try to impress each other and manifests feelings of unattractiveness, which leads to more crying.

- The woman may be carrying the weight of the child, but the man (if he is a good one), is carrying the weight of the relationship. He has to know what the woman needs without her having to ask. He has to be willing to do everything with a smile or risk the previously mentioned "insanity". No matter how independent a woman is, having the father be there for every little thing she needs and to offer without her having to ask is the most important relationship saving thing there can be. This takes a very strong-willed man to stomach this and a strong-willed woman to be able to handle it when it just realistically can't happen. This is perhaps the hardest thing to get through. 

Pardon the controversy

This will probably spark some debate, but I don't care. I love a healthy debate, so go for it. 

I have to lay it on the line here though...What is it with this anti-vaccine movement? What is wrong with people? What in God's name is wrong with people that they think it is somehow better for their child to not vaccinate them?!? I mean, seriously. Connection to Autism? Bullshit. Look up the science. 

http://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/Concerns/Autism/Index.html

Now I also researched some of the other "logic" behind the argument for being anti-vaccine and it just can't be backed up scientifically. It seems to me to be some sort of overgrown media blowout presented with a twisted process of association and built on nothing but a case of circumstantial evidence. The bear is big and brown and hairy and therefore if you are big and brown and hairy, you must be a bear. I realize how elementary that metaphor sounds, but you get what I mean. A media scare can have crazy effects on what people believe and how people think. It's truly amazing what one can do with the power of suggestion; and even more amazing how quickly people with throw common sense out of the window at the first hint of being able to "stick it to the man". Someone, somewhere, HAS to have considered that the level of autism awareness has increased and thusly the number of diagnoses. Here is what the Autism Science Foundation has to say:

http://autismsciencefoundation.org/autismandvaccines.html

I was watching an episode of "Pregnant in Heels" (don't judge me), and there was a woman on there talking about how she would not be vaccinating her child. When asked why, she indignantly made the following statement (paraphrased), "Why would my child need a Polio vaccine? When is the last time you heard of someone getting Polio? No one gets Polio anymore!" 

BECAUSE IT'S VACCINATED FOR YOU IDIOT!!  

Uggggghhhh.....*sigh*....in the words of my mother...some people's children! 

I don't understand how people can be so illogical. 

At the heart of the argument seems to be the MMR vaccine which is for Measles, Mumps, and Rubella. Now I have no idea what Rubella is (which I thank God for), but I had the mumps when I was a kid and it is AWFUL. As for Measles, this can kill children before the parent even realizes the child has the disease. So if you don't vaccinate your child and then put them in the same daycare with MY child and it's prior to the time they are old enough to even get the vaccine, you could, in fact, kill my child with your stupid decision. Sorry, but your freedom stops at the point at which it endangers the life of other free citizens. If you want to choose to not vaccinate your child, then you better make sure they live in a bubble. Chances are, YOU were given the vaccine you are choosing to not give them and you most likely DON'T have autism. 

I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on the wing-nuts that are choosing to not vaccinate. I, too, have my own views about the perversion of the relationship between health care providers and pharmaceutical companies. I do not like taking prescription medication of any kind really.  However, most of the routine vaccines are as tested and proven as antibiotics. It's not like the medications that are advertised in magazines everywhere or on TV every other commercial. (But I'll save my pharmaceutical rant for another time.)

I guess my point is that there is nothing wrong with questioning "the man" in whatever capacity you see "the man" to be; but don't be ridiculous about it. Use your head and make decisions that are well informed and well researched. Be educated when you make decisions, especially when those decisions so clearly affect the health, safety and well being of your friends, family and those you come in contact with. Just because Dr. Oz says Almond Milk is some new holistic-cure-all-weight-loss miracle, doesn't mean you rush right out asking your local barista to suddenly start putting that in your latte instead of whole or skim milk. But who am I kidding?  If you watch Dr. Oz and you're the kind of person that asks for almond milk (or even thinks almond milk is MILK...because it is NOT) then you're probably not even reading this blog anyway. 

Having a hard time

Among the many choices you have to make when you get pregnant, the biggest one is "to stay at home or not stay at home". When I made the choice to quit my last job and sort of make a switch in career paths, I did so because it was financially feasible at the time and because the stress at work had become more than my rampant running pregnancy emotions could deal with. Thus a new predicament has arisen.

I have cried possibly more since becoming pregnant than I have ever before. The smallest things (even some commercials) have great tear-jerking potential. I have long heard stories of women who cry at commercials or become depressed during or after pregnancy. I never really understood it until now. It's just something that is inevitable it seems. If someone else cries, I'm going to, guaranteed...even if they are on TV or a movie. Once it starts, it becomes a crack in the dam, a force so unpredictable as to its next movement but still bound to cause flood or damage. Apparently, though, these things are completely expected during this stage of pregnancy.

The issue with this, is the stay at home part; because what this means is that you are typically alone when it happens. It takes one word, one thing going wrong, one small thing out of place, and the waterworks start. Being at home alone with no one to get you out of your own head is just recipe for disaster depression. One thought leads to another and you're just suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that you're going through it alone and no one has time to be there for you but you. It's like the sensible part of your brain just completely shuts down and all you are left with are these completely raw emotions that you just can't get away from. You're just alone and left to deal with it.

When you are the person who stays at home, that typically means you were lucky enough to have a partner that gave you the option and is working making enough money to cover it. But there are factors, I have learned, that affect the core of your sanity and eventually the core of your relationship with each other that are not typically at first considered when making this decision.

I never considered how lonely I would feel at home all the time. I felt like I would enjoy the freedom, and I did at first. It didn't matter when he was working or not working because I would always be off and we could spend time together then. I didn't consider how tired he would be when he got home and how much that would make me feel like a burden and a nag when I wanted to use his time off as time for us to spend together doing stuff. I never considered how he would feel obligated to save up all his time, money, and resources for when the baby arrived. He is trying so hard to do the right thing and work as much as he can now so that he can have time off when the baby arrives. I mean, that IS the logical thing to do. It's just so hard to spend all day away from him each day and only see him as he exhaustively eats dinner across from me. It puts a strain on my emotions even more because I DO understand how tired he is because I KNOW what he's been doing at work all day, and I don't want to bother him by telling him I miss him and what our relationship was like before I got pregnant.

We were together all the time it seemed, even when we weren't. He'd text me just whenever he was thinking about me. We worked down the street from each other so I could expect to see him pass by everyday around the same time on his way to the bank. We would meet up on Sundays at a certain restaurant every week. We would catch a happy hour beer together. It was like we had a routine that I could count on that has been completely disrupted by the outside force that has led to so much happiness for both of us. We have this beautiful house that is slowly becoming a home. I have a starter garden in the backyard. We bought furniture and other stuff together.  It's like that same wonderful force has also led to so much stress and fear and uncertainty hidden beneath the happiness.

Of all the things I have found out on my own that no one told me was involved in having a child, the emotional strain it would have on our relationship is the thing I wish most that I could have prepared for.

I want to have more meaningful conversations. I want to plan the baby's nursery together. I want to create our baby website together. I want to go register for baby stuff together. I want to still hold each other on the sofa a we watch TV at night, even if we both fall asleep. I want him to research and ask me questions about the baby and baby stuff often. I want to budget our finances together. I want to work on the nursery together. I want to hang pictures around our house together. I want to know that he refers to me and the baby as his "family". I want to have pictures taken of us together with my big pregnant belly. I want to not be a burden or obligation. I want to talk about what we are scared of and overcome the fears together. I want to be there for him when he is sad as much as he is there for me. I want to celebrate together. I want him to know all these things without me having to tell him. I want him to know all of this and not feel guilty. He has been so much more supportive than I could ever have expected or imagined and I am grateful for everything he does.

So I decided I need to start working again, mostly as a distraction. It will keep me busy, earn money, and hopefully keep me more sane and out of his hair. Hopefully it helps.

It's NOT the thought that counts....

I wrote a post around Valentine's Day about the do's, dont's and dangers of gift-giving where women are concerned. I made a point to stress about how much it is "the thought that counts". Here was the pertinent passage:

"One way or another, the key with gift giving for women is the effort and thought put into it. We all pay attention to the details about our men and want our men to do the same for us. I almost never ask for something specific for any gift giving holiday. I don't expect my man to have to either. You should know each other well enough to know what the other person enjoys doing and be able to give them something that is centered around that. It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy...but for god's sake please no 4ft teddy bears. Where exactly do you expect us to store that thing?"

Now I want my girlfriends who I know read this to let their boyfriends, husbands, fiance's, partners also read this because it will help him. And here's why I say this: sometimes we find ourselves trying to tell our significant others that we want or need something (physically, emotionally, mentally, or materially) and just can't seem to get them to understand what we are trying to say. They don't understand because women, by nature, think emotionally and try to be sensitive to the reaction we THINK we will receive when broaching a subject with our mate that we view as important. Men, they tend to see things in a direct logical line. So if you bring up what you want or need to him with no context involved (because we all go over it in our heads for quite some time before we actually say it out loud), he will immediately wonder what the hell you are talking about and why you're bringing it up at right that moment. Sometimes men need someone else other than us to tell them how it is in order for them to understand. This is me being your independent confirmation.

Of course, Valentine's has come and gone (although, yes guys, it WILL be back), but there are many other gift giving holidays during the year that these same rules apply. Quite a few females I know have recently been through and discussed with me an anniversary, birthday, or mother's day scenario where they have found themselves disappointed and feeling like their significant other doesn't care: the key to this is that it isn't only the THOUGHT that counts it's the FORE thought.

"...It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy..."

Translation (broken down into a few logical rules to the men that I only hope read this and take it as truth):

RULE #1: NEVER FORGET AN IMPORTANT DATE
Just about every holiday that a woman would expect a gift of some sort falls on the same day each year (the only exception is Mother's Day, I believe, but it's at roughly the same time each year). This means you should know when it is coming. Women expect men to pay enough attention to know when these days are because if we are with you that means we believe you to be intelligent and capable enough of being able to set reminders in the age of smart phones. Go to whatever lengths you have to to remember her birthday, your anniversary, mother's day and valentine's day. (No one ever forgets Christmas. If you do, you need a lot more help than this blog could ever HOPE to provide.) I'm sure there are at least a few men in your life who also have significant others that can help remind you as well. Point is, forgetting is almost never an excuse.

RULE #2: SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Most men know when it's time to say the words, "I'm sorry" or "I love you". When it comes to important days of the year, if you wake up next to your woman, THIS is when to say "Happy Birthday", "Happy Anniversary", "Happy Mother's Day", or "Happy Valentine's Day".  It's best if you are the first person to tell her these things, but even if you're not, what is most important is that the entire day doesn't go by without you saying it at some point. I know it seems trivial, but it works like "I'm Sorry". The reason is because it is an indication of recognition. It is like saying, "hey. I haven't forgotten what today is."

RULE #3: TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Forethought means you thought about it BEFORE-hand. Of course, like I said, unless you're great at thinking on your feet. Just like it means so much for you to show indication of recognition, it means even more for you to have put forth an effort. If it is a holiday that usually requires a gift, when the gift is given is important, and the day of is when is the best bet. If for some reason, you will not see each other on the day of, then another day is of course acceptable. However, when having to celebrate the occasion on a different day, communication is key. If you don't talk about your gift-giving/celebration taking place on a day that is AFTER the specific holiday PRIOR to the actual day taking place, she will automatically assume you forgot. Now if you are an online shopper, sometimes you cannot help delays in shipping of gift items. Here is a great go-to solution: print out a picture of the gift and give it to her with either flowers or a heartfelt card. This shows you thought about her and didn't forget.

RULE #4: EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES
Sometimes we get so busy with the day-to-day that we do just honestly forget about days that we should pay more attention to. Or we know it's coming and then it just sneaks up on us faster than we could get time to plan something nice. It happens. Everyone is human. However, you have a couple of recovery options available depending on when it hits you that you forgot. If you happen to remember on the day of, find the nearest drug store or supermarket, buy the best card you can find, pick out the best looking flowers available, and then pretend like nothing happened and take her out on a date on the soonest available date. If it is at the point at which it is obvious you goofed, he only thing you need to know is that you MUST MAKE IT UP TO HER. You also must admit and apologize for forgetting no questions asked. And do it as quickly as possible. If you don't, all she will do is think about it and it will subconsciously sit in her brain that it doesn't matter to you. She may act like it's no big deal, but I promise it is. Just like women like getting flowers at work on valentines day so that they can show you off, they hate being asked "what did our man give you for (insert holiday here)", and having no answer to give...embarrassing. So you forget, you tell her you're sorry and that you didn't forget about her and that you will make it up to her on (insert specific date and time). Because let's face it, when the reciprocal holiday rolls around and she DOESN'T forget and does something special for YOU, you're going to feel like shit about the fact that you did forget. (of course that's assuming you do actually give a shit).

Now...With all that said...Of course not all men need directions on keeping their women romanced. If you are a man who read this and thought, "well duh" and you've never had any of these issues come up with your significant other, then SHARE THE INFO. You have an obligation to your male friends and it is your duty as a man to share what you know about how women think. Us women give men a hard enough time as it is, they don't also need it from their own friends. It's like that unwritten man code that one guy doesn't kick another guy in the balls.

The Mommy Battle

After finding out shortly after Valentine's day that I had a surprise "bundle of joy" on the way, I found myself a little distracted from blogging. There was so much to think about and so much to decide about all of a sudden. Who gets to know right now? When do I tell work? How do we tell our respective families? Am I going to have to quit my job? How am I going to afford my bills? How long should maternity leave be? How is the daddy going to handle it? It was a shock and a surprise, but thankfully, not a devastation.

I've always wanted to be a mom. In fact, when I was a kid, I dreamed of being this fabulous stay at home mom who chauffeured the kids (no more than 3 maybe 4) around to different events, who made dinner every night and ate with the family at an actual kitchen table, who had a hobby that was turned into a business (or maybe even a family business)....Supermom. That's what I wanted to be. Of course, when I was a kid, I started much earlier than 30 on said task. I know that for most people that sounds incredibly young, but in my family, starting at 30 makes me the equivalent of 103 (and that is a quote from a family member). However, I believe fate couldn't have picked a better time in my life for this little surprise. I am so much more responsible, experienced, and knowledgeable than I was at my pre-planned starting age of 25. Amazing how 5 years can really make such a difference, but it's so true. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is something terribly inconceivable(pardon the pun) about starting earlier, I know and love many who have, but I'm just glad I didn't.

Seems I've built a life in a city I had never even planned on moving to or staying in after college; and so many personal and professional relationships in the past few years at my job. Still I have to make a decision on what to do now. The demands of this job are FAR too exhausting for a woman expecting. Sometimes it's exhausting just being a woman in this job, let a lone a pregnant one. Still this is something that has become second nature to me: a perfect blend of my retail and theater backgrounds. It's a job that is hard to "call in sick" to and occasionally hard to vacation from. I'm so passionate about it sometimes that I can't pull myself away from it. I bring my work computer home and check and answer email, texts, and phone calls constantly. For the past few years, I have thrived on and lived off of the stress of the job. It kept me going. Now, I am too stressed, out of breath, achy, and exhausted (both mentally and physically) to even function some days. I'm sure alot of those are just common symptoms of pregnancy, but most women work until right before they have the baby. So now what? Do I finally give up the ball? Does it have to be permanent?

I'm sure some of my friends will be shocked and maybe even completely flabbergasted at my June Cleaver dream. I am, by no means, planning on being the stepford wife with heels on and perfect hair carrying a tray of brownies to the bake sale...rest assured. I do want to do some kind of work that isn't just housework and child raising. Maybe I'll go back to photography and get better at it. Maybe I'll get some part time job doing something a couple days a week. Hopefully I'll still be able to be involved with theater in some way. I just need to de-stress my life as much as possible and focus on all the new things that are happening. I want to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to and volunteer with organizations that mean something to me without having to worry about the politics of my job and who I might offend by it. I want to stay involved with alot of the activities and people I do now, but in a different way. I want to be able to turn off my cell phone or leave it at home and it not be a big deal. I want to explore Rosie the mom and not have to just be this marketable face of my job.  There are just so many more pros to me moving on from this job than there are cons.

I'm not really giving up the ball. I'm just putting this one down and picking up a new one. And I'm looking forward to it.

To V-Day or not to V-Day

Disclaimer: Realize that I know that I have one or more exes that read this, as well as the current man in my life, so please note that the forthcoming statements are neither a reflection upon them, nor are they some twisted hint with the impending doom of V-Day.


I struggle every year with whether or not Valentine's Day is particularly important to me, whether I'm in a relationship or not. It always seems as though there is this unneeded pressure that is added to be the perfect date for someone on that day, even if it's just a night with your girlfriends. In fact, probably more so if it's a night with your girlfriends because they are going to be overwhelmed by the label of "Singles Awareness Day".  Why is Valentine's Day so important to women? (It may be important to some guys to, I've just never experienced that particular phenomena). And why is getting what seems to have to be the perfect gift so important?

Here is what I have figured out after talking to so many women about Valentine's Day plans gone awry, tacky and/or thoughtless gifts they've received, countless missed opportunities by their boyfriends, and of course the dreaded  "he didn't make any plans or buy me even a card".

After having many a Valentine's Day end in tears for me while in a seemingly stable relationship, I can sympathize with their plight of feeling like their men just don't get them. How many men have heard their girlfriend say, "It's the thought that counts?" I said it so many times I can't even count. I plan events for a living that are typically pretty high-end events, so the poor sap that has to plan something special for me, know has a task on his hands already; which is why I really am very grateful for the "thought" that IS put into something that is done for me. However, while subtlety has never been my strong suit, I pride myself on not being a demanding girlfriend; but I actually came right out with one boyfriend and told him that there are 3 days a year that he is expected to make the plans and just tell me what we are doing: My birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine's Day. I never expected a string quartet or some grand gesture of epic proportions. I never even really expected some expensive gift. Still, it always seemed that there was no planning ahead done. He was "that guy" wandering the mall for a gift and searching through cards left on the Hallmark aisle at Walgreens on what seemed to always be the day before or day of.

It's the thought that counts....

Yes. It is and this is what that translates to:. (and I'm going to pick on men for a minute but try not to get offended) You can't have that thought on the day before or day of. Guess what? Valentine's Day is on the same day every year. If you're in a relationship on February 1st, and you plan on still being in that relationship two weeks following that, that's probably the latest you want to start thinking about it. I may be speaking for myself here, although I don't THINK I am, but women don't need a huge teddy bear and a box of chocolates! We don't need you to buy us jewelry! We don't need an expensive gift! We want you to have put thought into something that is meant for us. The most generic thing you can get away with is sending her flowers, preferably some place where she can show them off, and that doesn't mean a dozen roses necessarily. Make an effort to find out what her favorite flower is and send those. Here's an insider female secret: If your girlfriend works some place and she has co-workers, and especially if she is a professional female and has a desk or works where she will be around people AT ALL that day, have them delivered to her work and I promise, you win at life. Every woman loves being able to show off when her man thought of her because all women know that if flowers got delivered to you at work, that means the man put in enough effort to order them and have them sent to the right address. Sounds silly but it's true.

Also, if you're going to give a card, picking out the right one is important. This is the ONLY part of the gift that you can ever get away with getting last minute, even though you might be left with only that music card that sings "Let's Get It On".  If you're going to make the effort enough to buy a card to go with your gift, than it should at least say something meaningful. NO, it doesn't have to be super mushy, it just has to fit the situation. You wouldn't want to give someone you've known 2 months a card that is all "I Love You with all my heart". Just make the card appropriate and fitting. When you read the card, if it makes you think of her, that's the card, same with the gift.

One way or another, the key with gift giving for women is the effort and thought put into it. We all pay attention to the details about our men and want our men to do the same for us. I almost never ask for something specific for any gift giving holiday. I don't expect my man to have to either. You should know each other well enough to know what the other person enjoys doing and be able to give them something that is centered around that. It's about paying attention enough. Hence the reason no thought (or last minute thought, unless you are great at thinking on your feet) = bad gift = women thinking their men don't get them at all. And if you haven't been in your current relationship that long, You maybe do want to stick to the flowers and candy...but for god's sake please no 4ft teddy bears. Where exactly do you expect us to store that thing?

Am I An Oxymoron?

An interesting concept was brought to my attention that I have spent much time thinking about the past few days: the dichotomy between being "feminine" and being an "empowered woman". Although I had never thought of this delicate balancing act as being part of some form of cognitive dissonance, once presented to me that way, I decided to do a little more reading on the topic. I again was reminded of a guy friend (different from the person who brought the concept at hand to my attention) referring to me as "a dude with tits". I don't want to be a "dude with tits" and I don't like when my guy friends have that shocked look on their faces when I'm in a dress and heels saying, "wow! You look like a girl!" I am a girl. (Sorry, Jim, this one will stay with me forever.)

In case you're unfamiliar with cognitive dissonance, let me save you the Google-Wiki time...

Cognitive dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychologyproposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions or adding new ones to create consistency. An example of this would be the conflict between wanting to smoke and knowing that smoking is unhealthy; a person may try to change their feelings about the odds that they will actually suffer the consequences, or they might add the consonant element that the smoking is worth short term benefits.

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life. The tension produced by these contradictory ideas can be reduced by any number of changes in cognitions and behaviors, including quitting smoking, denying the evidence linking smoking to lung cancer, or justifying one's smoking. For example, smokers could rationalize their behavior by concluding that only a few smokers become ill, that it only happens to very heavy smokers, or that if smoking does not kill them, something else will.

This case of dissonance could also be interpreted in terms of a threat to the self-concept. The thought, "I am increasing my risk of lung cancer" can be dissonant with the self-related belief, "I am a smart, reasonable person who makes good decisions." Because it is often easier to make excuses or pass judgment than it is to change behavior or values, cognitive dissonance research contributes to the abundance of evidence in social psychology that humans are not always rational beings.

So basically cognitive dissonance is how we make ourselves feel better about making bad decisions, or how we justify our decision making skills in general really.

I am relating this to the Battle of the Sexes discussion (and yes, we are still on the topic of emasculating men), because I was given a perfect example from "The Guru" AKA Steve Santagati (I hope you don't mind me calling you that OR quoting you for that matter).

"You're opinions may not EMASCULATE a strong man but they are emasculating in nature. Strong men, such as myself are turned off only because women who do not play the role of a woman causes cognitive dissonance. Just as it would seeing a man in a dress. There are, however, some fundamental changes that have confused things and I understand the dichotomy that now exists between the Feminine and the Empowered woman. Good news, you can have both. Be aware that our bio behavioral imperatives run the sex and mating engine and we are slaves to the force. i.e. I hunt you, you be sexy. You can initiate with some ballsy statement showing your confidence but then you have to back off. Cat and mouse."

With this concept and inspiration in mind, instead of smoking and lung cancer, I changed the wiki example to terms of hunting versus being hunted and being feminine versus being a perceivable strong woman.

WIKI QUOTE:

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life.

TRANSLATION:

Being the huntress is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that men should be the hunter/woman the hunted; and stronger, more confident women must reconcile their habit of doing so with the desire to be hunted and acting more feminine. In terms of the theory, the desire to be hunted and treated like a lady is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely have the opposite effect.

Make sense?

Honestly, I first read this and thought about the common rhetoric among women who get their spouses or significant others to do things they want them to do by making them think it's their idea. As long as you don't appear to be the hunter instead of the hunted, then the man can still be a man and you are still the woman. I would venture to say that it is widely accepted knowledge that men make the first move and women decide whether or not they are having sex at the end of the night.

(Although I hate putting it in hunting terms, I'm just going to go with it for consistency sake.)

For example, you(the female) are sitting at the bar with a friend(also female). You spy across the bar a man you are attracted to and you (as a single adult female) decide you would like to take him home at the end of the night. You tell your friend. The next thing you do is make sure to make eye contact with him. You may laugh, you may toss your hair, you do something to get his attention and/or cross his line of vision. You have to put yourself in the path of the hunter and act as prey if you want to be captured. This is the initiating contact part. It is then the man's job as the hunter to actually wake up, pick up his rifle, and shoot. A deer doesn't run up to a hunter screaming, "Please shoot me!" You have to wait. He waits for you to be in just the right position at just the right time, then he shoots. So while you are actually using your cunning feminine skills to give him the opportunity, he still has to be the one to take it. If you appear confident in your feminine skills, he is more likely to notice and come over and take the opportunity you have presented and buy you a drink.

So in theory, although it was first your idea, you made him come to you while being both feminine and confident.

What does that have to do with cognitive dissonance? Well, often times, I feel as though we, for example, in the case of the hunt, give men our numbers without making them ask for it. It's not that they don't want it, they just are too scared to ask for it, or haven't figured out how to ask for it, so we just go for it. In exchange, he gives you his number. We see this as being confident because we are making the first move. But in reality, we have just taken away an opportunity for the man to be the man and do what men should do. If he actually calls us, then we are reassured that we did the right thing. However, as is often the case, when he doesn't call, we then write it off as him being too scared to make a move period. But in reality, you gave up your number first, so he probably thinks you're the type that would call first and is waiting on you to make yet another move. You have set up a bad precedent for the whole situation from the get go.