A wee bit of morbidity

No really. I don't talk about it because I know it's morbid and would quite possibly unnerve even those who know me best. But if I don't get these thoughts out to someone else I'm going to end up so far inside my own head, I'll be having the kind of anxiety attack I haven't had since freshman year of college when I found out my high school sweetheart was gay. (Those of you who know that story, or were there for that matter, I beg you keep your comments on topic here...because it's only funny now. It definitely wasn't then) 

I have always had this morbid preoccupation with death. (No, not in a serial killer sort of way, in a fearful sort of way). I use to distract myself with church and Jesus and hallelujah and all that jazz. And you know, maybe I should go to church more, I don't know. Haven't decided yet. But my fear of death extended even into my ability to have fun and typical teenage misadventures. "No drugs! Not unless it has my name on the pill bottle"...that was me. Just about everyone I knew wondered how I made it through 5 years of college and a theatre degree and had never once smoked pot. Meh. It CAN happen. It was like I was so afraid of ANYTHING happening that might lead to death. (and yet I smoked cigarettes from high school until I got pregnant.) If only I had known sooner that there are no known deaths from marijuana. HA! The short of it...I'm a pansy. I have no sense of adventure. No desire to sky dive or bungy jump. I lock my doors going through questionable neighborhoods (whether its at night or during the day). Bad weather of any kind puts my stomach in knots that are just unexplainable. I won't even let most of my friends or family drive me anywhere because I'm so afraid of car accidents. It took me until December 2011 to be able to fly alone. I'm like a target for a bad Alanis Morrisette song. 

But now....now that I'm a parent...it's a million times worse! There is no realization of mortality like giving birth. Everything worries me now...coughs, sneezes, itches, runny noses, vaccinations, medications, dirty carpets, dusty fans, germy hands....EVERYTHING. And all those things that I already had anxiety about, especially the bad weather part, just beyond ridiculous.

Now...please understand that I recognize that these are things that sound insane. I don't sit around all day worrying that I'm going to die. It's nothing like that. But I just can't think about it. I can't think about death or get this sudden massive buildup of anxiety that is near uncontrollable. I can't watch the national news because it is just so depressing all the time it seems (Thank God I don't live in Nola anymore or I couldn't even watch the local news!) There are television shows I use to LOVE to watch that I can barely stomach to watch anymore because I'm in tears the whole time (Grey's Anatomy or The Big C, for instance).  I make myself watch them still in an attempt to try to get over this feeling. And it's not like I can, or even want to, talk to anyone else about it because I mean, come on, it's depressing!

I just feel like I'm walking around waiting. It's like this feeling that something bad is going to happen that I just can't shake. I HATE this feeling! I don't know why I have it, but I HATE IT! I want to get rid of this stupid feeling so I can just enjoy each day as I should. So if you've not gotten too depressed reading this and made it this far, any suggestions you have for shaking this feeling would be great. 

adventures in parenthood...part deux

It's been a roller coaster past 6 months. Baby, engagement, planning a wedding in 100 days for under $5000....definitely a task. All of these things and living so far from family has been hard. Going from hard-ass, Type A, Young Management Professional, to Molly-Homemaker-Stay-At-Home-Mom has been a definite struggle for me. I know I have been so blessed and yet am still having such a hard time balancing and accepting.

I have never NOT worked before. I thought I'd enjoy it. All that "for the greater good" nonsense and all. I am thankful everyday that I do not have to pay the cost of childcare or subject Jr to oh so many runny noses and germy hands and truthfully, other people's way of caring for him really. So I found a way to keep working, but from home mostly. And when I go into the office, I usually get to (have to) take him with me. It is a freedom that I am also thankful for. Most moms do not get the luxury of being able to be BOTH stay-at-home-mom AND working mom.

I have this insane need to have my own money. I think S would absolutely be in support of me staying home and not working and him just giving me money as needed. But I mean, come on, that's crappy. I mean, we'd make it fine, but it's not like we're rolling so deep it wouldn't be on a pretty tight budget. Plus, I really like not having to ask him to put gas in my car or for anything else. I like being able to be the person who buys all the groceries, even if its the only thing I can afford to do.

My feeling on it is this, if you each have your own money and an understanding of how all the bills and household costs will be paid, then you won't fight about money because you won't have to ask or wonder how much people are spending and on what they are spending it. If I were to stop working or getting my own money all together, then he would have every right to ask me where the money he gave me was going, or vice versa. Not that I am spending money on frivolous things, and not that he is either, but see my point? When you feel like you have to justify your actions to your spouse, that's the first move on the defensive, which will almost always certainly lead to an argument. Nope....not gonna do it.

Still, I find myself with this aching need to be with Jr 24/7 and to make sure he is properly learning in all the ways he should, eating the way he should, sleeping the way he should, etc. I want to make sure he is raised exactly the way S and I want him raised. At the same time, it seems to be so alienating to be this fantasy image of June Clever, but I find myself getting really distraught when I have spent the entire day at home and have nothing productive done to show for it. And I kinda want to go back to work, but the money I would make at work would just be getting put right back into daycare, which makes it almost seem pointless.

So here I am, torn on whether or not to go back to work full-time. I miss theater. I miss socialization over things NOT child-related. I miss productivity. The problem is, on the random days that I get to go away for 6+ hours a day to work, I miss Jr.