A wee bit of morbidity

No really. I don't talk about it because I know it's morbid and would quite possibly unnerve even those who know me best. But if I don't get these thoughts out to someone else I'm going to end up so far inside my own head, I'll be having the kind of anxiety attack I haven't had since freshman year of college when I found out my high school sweetheart was gay. (Those of you who know that story, or were there for that matter, I beg you keep your comments on topic here...because it's only funny now. It definitely wasn't then) 

I have always had this morbid preoccupation with death. (No, not in a serial killer sort of way, in a fearful sort of way). I use to distract myself with church and Jesus and hallelujah and all that jazz. And you know, maybe I should go to church more, I don't know. Haven't decided yet. But my fear of death extended even into my ability to have fun and typical teenage misadventures. "No drugs! Not unless it has my name on the pill bottle"...that was me. Just about everyone I knew wondered how I made it through 5 years of college and a theatre degree and had never once smoked pot. Meh. It CAN happen. It was like I was so afraid of ANYTHING happening that might lead to death. (and yet I smoked cigarettes from high school until I got pregnant.) If only I had known sooner that there are no known deaths from marijuana. HA! The short of it...I'm a pansy. I have no sense of adventure. No desire to sky dive or bungy jump. I lock my doors going through questionable neighborhoods (whether its at night or during the day). Bad weather of any kind puts my stomach in knots that are just unexplainable. I won't even let most of my friends or family drive me anywhere because I'm so afraid of car accidents. It took me until December 2011 to be able to fly alone. I'm like a target for a bad Alanis Morrisette song. 

But now....now that I'm a parent...it's a million times worse! There is no realization of mortality like giving birth. Everything worries me now...coughs, sneezes, itches, runny noses, vaccinations, medications, dirty carpets, dusty fans, germy hands....EVERYTHING. And all those things that I already had anxiety about, especially the bad weather part, just beyond ridiculous.

Now...please understand that I recognize that these are things that sound insane. I don't sit around all day worrying that I'm going to die. It's nothing like that. But I just can't think about it. I can't think about death or get this sudden massive buildup of anxiety that is near uncontrollable. I can't watch the national news because it is just so depressing all the time it seems (Thank God I don't live in Nola anymore or I couldn't even watch the local news!) There are television shows I use to LOVE to watch that I can barely stomach to watch anymore because I'm in tears the whole time (Grey's Anatomy or The Big C, for instance).  I make myself watch them still in an attempt to try to get over this feeling. And it's not like I can, or even want to, talk to anyone else about it because I mean, come on, it's depressing!

I just feel like I'm walking around waiting. It's like this feeling that something bad is going to happen that I just can't shake. I HATE this feeling! I don't know why I have it, but I HATE IT! I want to get rid of this stupid feeling so I can just enjoy each day as I should. So if you've not gotten too depressed reading this and made it this far, any suggestions you have for shaking this feeling would be great.