Am I An Oxymoron?

An interesting concept was brought to my attention that I have spent much time thinking about the past few days: the dichotomy between being "feminine" and being an "empowered woman". Although I had never thought of this delicate balancing act as being part of some form of cognitive dissonance, once presented to me that way, I decided to do a little more reading on the topic. I again was reminded of a guy friend (different from the person who brought the concept at hand to my attention) referring to me as "a dude with tits". I don't want to be a "dude with tits" and I don't like when my guy friends have that shocked look on their faces when I'm in a dress and heels saying, "wow! You look like a girl!" I am a girl. (Sorry, Jim, this one will stay with me forever.)

In case you're unfamiliar with cognitive dissonance, let me save you the Google-Wiki time...

Cognitive dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychologyproposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions or adding new ones to create consistency. An example of this would be the conflict between wanting to smoke and knowing that smoking is unhealthy; a person may try to change their feelings about the odds that they will actually suffer the consequences, or they might add the consonant element that the smoking is worth short term benefits.

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life. The tension produced by these contradictory ideas can be reduced by any number of changes in cognitions and behaviors, including quitting smoking, denying the evidence linking smoking to lung cancer, or justifying one's smoking. For example, smokers could rationalize their behavior by concluding that only a few smokers become ill, that it only happens to very heavy smokers, or that if smoking does not kill them, something else will.

This case of dissonance could also be interpreted in terms of a threat to the self-concept. The thought, "I am increasing my risk of lung cancer" can be dissonant with the self-related belief, "I am a smart, reasonable person who makes good decisions." Because it is often easier to make excuses or pass judgment than it is to change behavior or values, cognitive dissonance research contributes to the abundance of evidence in social psychology that humans are not always rational beings.

So basically cognitive dissonance is how we make ourselves feel better about making bad decisions, or how we justify our decision making skills in general really.

I am relating this to the Battle of the Sexes discussion (and yes, we are still on the topic of emasculating men), because I was given a perfect example from "The Guru" AKA Steve Santagati (I hope you don't mind me calling you that OR quoting you for that matter).

"You're opinions may not EMASCULATE a strong man but they are emasculating in nature. Strong men, such as myself are turned off only because women who do not play the role of a woman causes cognitive dissonance. Just as it would seeing a man in a dress. There are, however, some fundamental changes that have confused things and I understand the dichotomy that now exists between the Feminine and the Empowered woman. Good news, you can have both. Be aware that our bio behavioral imperatives run the sex and mating engine and we are slaves to the force. i.e. I hunt you, you be sexy. You can initiate with some ballsy statement showing your confidence but then you have to back off. Cat and mouse."

With this concept and inspiration in mind, instead of smoking and lung cancer, I changed the wiki example to terms of hunting versus being hunted and being feminine versus being a perceivable strong woman.

WIKI QUOTE:

Smoking is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, and smokers must reconcile their habit with the desire to live long and healthy lives. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely shorten one's life.

TRANSLATION:

Being the huntress is a common example of cognitive dissonance because it is widely accepted that men should be the hunter/woman the hunted; and stronger, more confident women must reconcile their habit of doing so with the desire to be hunted and acting more feminine. In terms of the theory, the desire to be hunted and treated like a lady is dissonant with the activity of doing something that will most likely have the opposite effect.

Make sense?

Honestly, I first read this and thought about the common rhetoric among women who get their spouses or significant others to do things they want them to do by making them think it's their idea. As long as you don't appear to be the hunter instead of the hunted, then the man can still be a man and you are still the woman. I would venture to say that it is widely accepted knowledge that men make the first move and women decide whether or not they are having sex at the end of the night.

(Although I hate putting it in hunting terms, I'm just going to go with it for consistency sake.)

For example, you(the female) are sitting at the bar with a friend(also female). You spy across the bar a man you are attracted to and you (as a single adult female) decide you would like to take him home at the end of the night. You tell your friend. The next thing you do is make sure to make eye contact with him. You may laugh, you may toss your hair, you do something to get his attention and/or cross his line of vision. You have to put yourself in the path of the hunter and act as prey if you want to be captured. This is the initiating contact part. It is then the man's job as the hunter to actually wake up, pick up his rifle, and shoot. A deer doesn't run up to a hunter screaming, "Please shoot me!" You have to wait. He waits for you to be in just the right position at just the right time, then he shoots. So while you are actually using your cunning feminine skills to give him the opportunity, he still has to be the one to take it. If you appear confident in your feminine skills, he is more likely to notice and come over and take the opportunity you have presented and buy you a drink.

So in theory, although it was first your idea, you made him come to you while being both feminine and confident.

What does that have to do with cognitive dissonance? Well, often times, I feel as though we, for example, in the case of the hunt, give men our numbers without making them ask for it. It's not that they don't want it, they just are too scared to ask for it, or haven't figured out how to ask for it, so we just go for it. In exchange, he gives you his number. We see this as being confident because we are making the first move. But in reality, we have just taken away an opportunity for the man to be the man and do what men should do. If he actually calls us, then we are reassured that we did the right thing. However, as is often the case, when he doesn't call, we then write it off as him being too scared to make a move period. But in reality, you gave up your number first, so he probably thinks you're the type that would call first and is waiting on you to make yet another move. You have set up a bad precedent for the whole situation from the get go.

Another point of view

I made a decision yesterday to make this blog public. It cost me my co-author. However, it also brought about a different point of view to light. A fellow female felt that I have emasculated men by some of these posts. I was immediately taken aback by the statement since I am so typically old fashioned about a man being a man. So I asked her, 'Did I emasculate men in some way?' The following was her response:

"Of the men I know, that I count as men (& that takes some doing. I mean, they really have to prove it to get that distinction from me), I would venture to guess after reading this, they'd say "yes". If you want to build someone up, you don't do it by first beating the crap out of them. If you always have the ball (which is how this somewhat presents), you're only going to find one who never wants it. There is a great strength that comes through quiet diligence and discipline that needn't be recognized. I honestly believe there are loads of men out there who want strong, amazing, beautiful women. I think too often such women refuse to allow them to be men. It's a complicated balance, but for starters, if you like to give pleasure more than you get it in bed, if you like to hunt as much if not more than being hunted, then, I'd say, yes, that's emasculation. Women are delicate in their own way as are men. A man's ego and his need to be respected is often trampled in this world. Every "strong" woman will disregard me for saying such, but a man wants to come home & be a man. Not a well trained dog. I'm really not the person to discuss this because I think the battle of the sexes has reached critical mass, & at this point in the game, I think we shame men for being manly & then disregard them for not being manly enough. They're damned if they do, damned if they don't. I empathize (believe me) with your plight, but at almost 40, I've decided it's best for me to grow myself in wisdom, humility, & grace. If I'm doing that, either a man will be attracted to me whom I can admire or he won't. But I can rest in the assurance that someone, at least one person, is better off because I've chosen to live such a way"

After reading her response, I was flabbergasted because I agreed with her 100% and it was the exact point I was trying to get across. Too often women criticize men for being men but then get mad when that same man opens the door for them. I find myself infuriated by the conversations of females who are upset with their significant other over the fact that he is simply acting like a guy. Of course he'd rather stay home and play video games or watch SportsCenter instead of going shopping with you! He's a dude! Nine times out of ten, I'd rather go drink wine with my girls than stay at home and play video games. (Although I am sort of atypical because I like video games AND SportsCenter.)

"If you always have the ball (which is how this somewhat presents), you're only going to find one who never wants it."
THAT is exactly what I am talking about....giving up the ball. Too often I have held on tightly to the ball and was not willing to give it up and hand it over. The start of this blog was the beginning of the hand-off. It's the journey of finding someone who will gladly take it from me.

I also asked for a man's opinion (because I felt it necessary). The man I asked knows me extremely well and knows exactly how I act in the confines of a relationship. I asked him if he thought me to be emasculating or if he thought my opinions in the blog were. To my surprise he said yes. However, what he said after was a point of view I had not thought of. He said to me, "you're not the only one that wants to give up the ball and not make decisions when you get home. What about the guy who has been working just as hard and making decisions all day as well?" And there it was staring me in the face. 'The battle of the sexes' that, as my female cohort had put it, has 'reached critical mass'. He also told me what his view on being a 'trained dog' was. It's not that men don't want to know what to do to make us happy. It's not that they only do those things in order to make us happy. However, once it becomes merely a trained response, it's beyond reproach to the point of routine and boring. Men like mystery, intrigue, and 'the hunt', if you will. It truly is a complicated and delicate balance between letting a woman be a woman and a man be a man and being able to be both together.

So let me just state, I have had no intention of emasculating men. I enjoy healthy debate (especially on the topic of the battle of the sexes) and want to hear your opinions.

Full Disclosure

*photo copyright to Alex Noriega at www.snotm.com

I said in the last blog that the two keys to any successful relationship are Trust and Good Communication. A friend pointed out to me that he thought I missed two more: Honesty and Fidelity. In a romantic relationship, yes, these two things are also very important. However, I feel as though if you have the former of the two, the latter is sure to be present. You can't have TRUE good communication without complete honesty and that breeds trust; and if you are unfaithful, there's no way you will be trusted in the confines of a romantic relationship. It all comes back to trust.

Trusting someone means different things to different people. There are levels of trust. Do I trust someone to watch my dog while I'm out of town? Do I trust someone to drive me home leaving the bar? Do I trust someone enough to drink after them? Do I trust someone enough to share my deepest secrets with them? Do I trust someone enough to think that they would jump in front of a bullet for me?

Everyone has that one friend (some have more than one) that you wouldn't trust with anything. That doesn't mean you don't love them, you just don't trust them...they're not reliable. Reliability goes along with trust. But that's just one level of trust. It's the "will you do what you said you were going to do" part of it. Will you keep the plans you have and not cancel? Will you be there when you said you would be? Will you be there when I need you the most? Reliability stretches across trust in friendships AND romantic relationships.

Then there is the "can I tell you a secret and you not share it" trust. Every set of friends has its own inside jokes. You can say something that makes everyone who knows about it laugh but outsiders wouldn't have a clue what you mean or why its funny. These are good secrets to share. Then there are those moments of vulnerability, that every person has, and you usually only have the ONE friend that you can share your thoughts and feelings with knowing it will stay between the two of you. You discuss major life decisions together and keep each other accountable for keeping your word in moments of weakness. I truly believe that, in a lifetime, you get very few of these kinds of friends, and they stick with you forever. You could not see each other for days, weeks, months, years, but pick up where you left off and it wouldn't matter how long it has been. This is the friend you know that if you called at 3am, they would answer and they would come bail you out of a bad situation if you ever needed it. This is what classifies a best friend.

What I'm trying to get at is that once you get into a romantic relationship with someone, they sometimes forget the characteristics of what makes a good friend and focus only on being a "good girlfriend/boyfriend". The expectations change as well as the standards for what is acceptable. Always keep your standards high and your expectations low. Know what is acceptable for you and what is not and do not stray from it. You cannot get into a relationship and cease being a good friend to them just because you've seen them naked. Great relationships don't always start out as friendships, but they MUST be built on friendship. There has to be a level of trust that you would have with that "best friend" and then some. 

Lasting relationships have been built upon a level of honesty that you not only DON'T share with anyone else, but CAN'T share with anyone else. You have to be able to be yourself completely and wholly with that person. You have to be able to share things with them that you would not share with anyone else. You have to trust them physically, emotionally, and sexually and be able to be completely open in all three arenas. Is that going to happen in the first three months of a relationship? Doubtful. Some people move faster than others because they are more open to grow in the same direction together. But both have to be on the same page...which is where good communication comes back into play. 

If you are in a relationship and there is something about yourself that is missing, find out what it is. Get it back. While relationships are always going to be hard work to make them last, and always about compromise, they are NOT about sacrifice. Don't confuse the two. You have to compromise to make situations work. You can't compromise to make people work. Sacrificing parts of yourself (or for some people it's there whole self) to try to make a relationship work can only end in disaster. 

It's just 3 little words

"Can we talk?"

Yeah. I said it. It's a phrase I am pretty sure scares your significant other more than the other 3-word phrase you probably thought I was talking about.

So your girlfriend calls and says the dreaded words, "I really need to talk to you about something." You immediately start to replay the last conversation you had in case you said something that could have been misinterpreted. You retrace every step of the last time you were together in case you did something that may have made the other person mad. What is it that is spawning this moment of "Can We Talk?" You start biting your nails thinking really hard. Your heart pounds like you've had too much coffee. You suddenly need a cigarette. (I mean, that's what happens to me when someone says it to me)

Calm down.

While there are many different types of girls (a blog for another time), a girl with any sense in her head will already know that this little phrase is going to incite panic, even if she is expecting it to be only minimal. So know that the timing at which the words are delivered has been carefully calculated. It is purposeful. Now if you're dating the malicious type, she will be heartless in her timing. For now, let's pretend that you're dating a girl who actually gives a shit about you and isn't malicious or controlling.

Let's discuss:

Typically guys need a significantly larger amount of time away from their significant other than girls do. You need to spend time with your friends farting, scratching, talking about sex and (insert group hobby here). Any guy with any sense in their head will already know that we don't particularly care to be a part of that. As females, we need to feel like you want to spend just as much time with us as you do with the guys scratching and farting, we need to feel more important than whatever your hobby is, and we want to talk about sex with you. If you are slacking on including us in on the fun or you're not giving us the proper amount of attention in comparison, we are going to want to talk to you about it. So that could be all that it is. And if this is the case, we usually just want to discuss it and move past it. It won't be a sticking point unless you at some point say something stupid that makes her think you actually don't care about her. Typically, however, this is the main reason a "can we talk" conversation will happen IF it's about your relationship.

However, more often than not, the conversation won't even have anything to do with your relationship. It will usually just have to do with the fact that she, I don't know, wants to TALK. (FYI: Texting does not equal talking). Talking means actual verbal conversation. In this day and age we have gotten far too comfortable with technology as a replacement for human interaction. Our computers and cell phones have replaced the day to day interaction crucial to relationships. Women need to be touched, caressed, whispered to, held, and paid attention to. You can't do any of those things with through text/instant messages or Skype. And although over the phone conversations are more acceptable, in-person conversations are much more appropriate to have that "can we talk" conversation. We all know one of the major differences between the sexes is that women have to typically talk about things in order to work them out and men don't. When your girl states in a text that she really needs to talk to you about something in person, DO NOT TEXT BACK ASKING WHAT IT IS ABOUT! For the love of all that is holy, either pick up the phone and call her or set a time to talk. Cardinal rule of dealing with women: if they have an issue and they TELL you they have an issue, NEVER give them more time to stew over it. Long before they brought it up to you, they stewed over the issue and whether or not they wanted to talk to you about it. If they decided to open up to you about it, and make any kind of a move in the direction that even remotely seems like you don't want to talk about it, she is going to write it off and it will be a problem. Do the adult thing and be man enough to have the discussion. It will make you seem confident and sure of yourself. It will also tell her that you care enough about her to try to make her feel better about whatever the "situation" is.

I started writing this post over a week ago. I was going to scrap it and most likely not go back to it. Then, I had my own "can we talk" moment in my relationship. Let's just say that the reaction I got to my own "can we talk" moment was well, less than stellar. It was, in fact, down right ridiculous. That one interaction (that took place over the course of 2-3 days) told me everything I needed to know about the person I was with. Good communication is one of the two keys to ANY relationship whether it be family, friends, or lovers. The other is trust. He panicked so much over this "can we talk" moment that he displayed nothing but lack of both of those keys and I had to sever ties with him because of it. These are the most important two things in a relationship (in my opinion) and they cannot be taught. They can be learned, but not taught, especially in the confines of a relationship. So with all these things considered, I felt the need to continue the writing of this post and go ahead an publish it. Hopefully it will do some good for somebody.

So feel free to comment on this or any posts on this blog as it is for public consumption and nothing is better than healthy discussions or debate.

7 Deadly Mistakes....

This is a post from an article that will get us kicked off on the blog. It is a great article. To clarify, this was not written by me. The original can be found here:

http://www.getgirlsnotgame.com/the-7-deadly-mistakes-of-approaching-a-woman-that-will-turn-her-off-instantly/

7 Deadly Mistakes of Approaching a Woman That Will Turn Her Off Instantly

Often Women Know Within the First 10 Seconds of Meeting a Man Whether They Are Going to Sleep with Him or Not…So Here Are The 7 Things Most Men Do To Immediately Disqualify Themselves—And How to Make Sure You Avoid All Of Them

7. Trying Too Hard

Have you ever seen a guy who was so obviously trying to act cool or look important, but he just ended up being the guy all the women laughed about later and made fun of? Sure you have. Just like me, I’m sure you’ve had attractive female friends that always seem to hookup with the guy who “doesn’t seem to care”…but for some reason they never considered you, even though you put in way more effort.

What’s up with that? Actually it’s very simple…

Women don’t hookup with the guy who’s “putting in the most effort.” They hookup with guys they perceive to be “attractive”—which is just a convenient way to say “guys they think are cooler than they are.” And nothing says to a woman “you’re way cooler than me” than a guy who exerts a lot of effort in an interaction—especially when meeting someone for the first time.

I realize this isn’t always obvious. It may be hard to chill out and stop trying so hard…but get used to it. Until you relax and keep yourself from obviously trying to “get” her attention and attraction, you’ll never even get off the ground with attractive woman.

6. Chatting But Not Attracting

What do most guys do when they are talking with a woman they find attractive? Right! They turn into Dr. Phil and play daytime talk show host as they “interview her” and try to pick topics she likes…

Well, here’s a newsflash for you…you will NEVER SPARK ATTRACTION WITH A WOMAN BY JUST AIMLESSLY CHATTING WITH HER! Woman are stimulated by emotions and tension (a.k.a., flirting). Just think of the adventurous types of men women tend to like…bad boys, rock stars, and celebrities.

For most of us guys, women don’t immediately drool over us based on our looks or status—so how in the world do we expect to stoke her attraction by just having a boring chat? Yet we all do it. When a woman gives us her attention, we try to play it safe, ask the questions we think she’ll like, talk about stuff that’s neutral or common, and do our best to keep her talking to us. Bad idea. One that will never fan the flames of her attraction.

5. Apologize For Liking Her

Another huge and avoidable mistake that most guys make with when approach a woman is apologizing for feeling attracted to her—or even apologizing for wanting to talk to her. Attractive women intimidate most guys. And they get men bending over backwards to appease them all the time. Men jump through their hoops, do whatever it takes to keep them happy, and often go out of their way to make sure they feel “comfortable” and “not offended.”

And guess what? Attractive women wait until guy-after-guy admits SHAMEFULLY that he’s attracted to her. Sometimes the guy doesn’t come outright and say it, instead he’ll pretend he’s interested in something she likes and use that as a pretext for a date: “Let’s go see Twilight together—and I’ll pay!” Even if the guy actually has the balls to tell her directly, often he first apologizes for wanting to talk to her: “I’m sorry to bother you but…”

This signals to the woman that you’re just like all the other guys who are so intimidated by her that you feel you the need to “hide” or “apologize for” the fact you like her—all because you think that makes her feel “more comfortable” around you.

Don’t do it. Be confident in your feelings. You don’t need to come right out and proclaim exactly what you’re feeling, but definitely don’t try to cover it up—or apologize for it.

4. Taking Yourself Too Seriously

One of the most common mistakes that a guy can make is getting overly emotional before a woman even knows him… because he is taking the interaction (and himself) way too seriously… and investing all of his male ego and pride into one interaction, with one girl (who he doesn’t even know yet!). And sure, as men, it can be hard to get over our pride when approaching a woman for the first time.

But YOU MUST.

We all know women love men with a sense of humor, yet how can we be “funny” or even “interesting” if we are trying to micromanage every aspect of an interaction with an attractive woman? Instead, relax. Lighten up. Learn to laugh a little at yourself. And you’ll see this attitude will attract women to you like a magnet.

3. Making It Obvious You Rehearsed Your Approach

Earlier I mentioned that it’s a mistake to try so hard that you make it apparent you see the woman as “cooler” than you. Well, another way men signal to a woman they feel “less cool” than her is by rehearsing their approach. Put another way, guys worry about every detail of an approach—from the opening line to how to ask for her number—and they play and replay the scene in their head. Another bad idea…

Women are never attracted to men who aren’t in control of a situation and display leadership qualities (a.k.a., confidence)…women just aren’t attracted to insecure wimps! Don’t worry that you need to rehearse every detail before approaching a woman. Just do it—and feel confident that you can handle whatever happens!

2. Not Understanding How To Tactfully Move Things Forward

Now I’m going to blow you away with a little insider dating secret… A woman is expecting you to move an interaction forward… and actually will get turned off if you fail to do so. Let me say this again: If you don’t move an interaction toward intimacy and get physical with her, women will actually LOSE their attraction to you.

I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you’re talking to a girl for more than a couple minutes, she’s probably already thinking, “Okay, when is going to ask for my number?” or even, “Okay, so when is he going to kiss me?” And if you don’t do it—or fail to do it smoothly—then she’ll actually “cool off” and start thinking of ways to dismiss you: “I think we’re better off just being friends…”

And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating… Confidently approaching a woman, going for the number, asking her out, kissing her, getting sexual… everything. If you hesitate or don’t know what to do in each situation, you will end up losing EVERYTHING. And you know it.

It is crucial that you understand how to tactfully move from one step to the next with a woman… from the approach, all the way to the bedroom.

1. Not Seeking Out Direction or Help

Here it is: The most deadly mistake men make that ensures they remain single and never date the girl they really want. This is the one mistake that holds men back from EVER having the kind of success with women that would leave them truly satisfied. I know, we’re guys so we hate to seem helpless—we don’t even like to ask for directions, let alone dating help.

I’d know, I was there myself at one point. A couple years ago, I moved to New York City after graduating college and felt completely frustrated that I’d pass beautiful women all day, but I didn’t have a clue how to approach them, meet them, and get dates with them. It was like slow torture!

One weekend I met up with a friend from college, and we spotted 2 women we wanted to meet, but neither of us had the balls to approach them. I can still see the movie of that night playing in my head…right then I decided I had to do whatever it took to learn how to successfully meet and date women.

Well, after lots of “field work” and trying all kinds of crazy tips and techniques, I finally mastered it. And it was definitely worth it. I no longer feel that paralyzing feeling of insecurity… like I don’t know if I’ll ever meet a girl I’m really attracted to… and I might end up single forever. I know that I can just stroll outside and meet beautiful woman anytime, anywhere.

I’ve written a book on the topic, and I’ve coached guys all across the United States… and taught thousands of men all across the world. If you’re serious about getting this area of your life handled and you want to discover what really works, click on the link below to learn more.

*Guest Post by Rob Judge

The beginning

*If you haven't read the tab "My logic", please read that section first so you understand what this blog is about.*


After reading a book called "The Manual" by Steve Santagati (and passing it around our group), a girlfriend and I decided we needed to write a sort of relationship supplement to that. It's pretty ambitious to think that we would ever write a book, let alone have it become nearly as popular, so to the blogger we have gone.

We all need help. Almost all girls have that one guy friend that they give advice to and guys have that lady friend they get advice from. Oh you don't you say? Well here's your opportunity to find that kind of assistance. I will try to make sure there is at least a weekly post of information, stories, and hopefully tons of things to laugh at (because some things are only funny because they are true).

Know this, we in NO WAY claim to know everything there is to know about relationships. We are just  dealing with what seems to be the same patterns in girls and guys when they are in relationships. So hopefully sharing our stories and experiences will in some way hit home for whoever reads and maybe, just maybe, someone out there is paying attention.

If you're reading, thanks for coming along for the ride with us. Hilarity is certain to follow.